I believe we have previously discussed my intense dislike of snakes.
But it is August. Everyone’s gone on holidays, including politicians. The news is slow. So we’re going to talk snakes again.
I told you last year about the shy pet snake named Murphy who was on the loose in Ottawa. BTW he was never found, just in case any Ottawa residents were beginning to rest easy again.
And just this week a ball python was found poking out of a sewer gate in Toronto. Apparently the python’s head was caught in a grate near a gas station. The gas station attendant described the snake as “beautiful”, an opinion with which I heartily disagree.
The snake has been rescued and sent to a reptile sanctuary. I don’t know where this sanctuary is, nor do I want to. The last thing I need to know is that I am in the same country as a reptile sanctuary. Shudder.
The theory is that rather being a python on the lam, this was once a pet snake but the owner couldn’t care for it anymore and just let it go. Shudder again.
We also found out that Toronto has a much more lenient snake growth policy than Ottawa.
In Ottawa you are not allowed to own a snake which measures longer than two metres. In Toronto, the limit is three metres. Three metres of snake!
I know Toronto always feels it needs to be the best at everything, but really, there is no particular cachet in allowing bigger snakes than your neighbours.
Deal with your feelings of inadequacy another way, Toronto.
Just a few weeks ago, an alligator was found swimming in a pond in a Chicago park.
The gator was quickly dubbed ‘Chance the Snapper’, a play on Chance the Rapper.
Other suggested names for the five foot lizard were Ruth Gator Ginsberg, Croc Obama and Frank Lloyd Bite.
Once again, the theory is that Chance was someone’s pet before it was released into the lagoon. But what were they thinking? Obviously the gator grew too large for its home, but didn’t they realize that in releasing him into a pond, he would grow even larger, and might pose a danger to others?
Chance was actually settling in quite well to life in the pond before he was captured by an alligator expert hired by the City of Chicago. I don’t know how well he would have done once the Chicago winter set in, but he doesn’t have to worry about that now. He’s been sent to a lizard refuge in Florida.
Apparently there are refuges for snakes and lizards everywhere.
Chance the Snapper’s memory lives on in Chicago though. You can buy a bobble-head doll of him should you desire.
Nobody suggested any names for the Toronto Python.
But I’m not the only person who ever thought of naming a snake.
A quick check around the internet offered plenty of suggestions.
How about William Snakespeare?
Danger Noodle. I like that one.
Nope Rope. Sums up my feelings very well.
Julius Squeezer, or Ebenezer Squeezer
David Hisselfoff or Hissy Elliot
Sir Francis Snake
Harvey Slimestein. Appropriate.
But, a snake by any other name is still a disgusting, slithering, abhorrent reptile.