Deep in the heart of scooter-loving Texas

By now I’m sure you’ve all heard the big story of the week — A Wichita Falls, Texas woman was banned from Walmart for driving recklessly around the store’s parking lot in an electric scooter in the early morning whilst drinking wine from a Pringle’s can.

Reported by the Wichita Falls Times Record, “The woman was reportedly riding on an electric shopping cart more commonly used for people with physical limitations. Officers were also told she was drinking wine from a Pringle’s can. Hughes said the reporting party said the suspect had been riding around in the store’s parking lot since 6:30 a.m. while drinking the alcoholic beverage.”

Now I myself have participated in electric scooter races around beer-filled Solo cups in an apartment building parking lot, so I assure you I am no stranger to scooter shenanigans.

But this incident does beg some questions. Such as, when drinking wine out of a Pringle’s can, does one opt for red or white? A dry Malbec or the fruitier Gewürztraminer?

Have no fear, because Food and Wine magazine was quick to dive into that question. Wine critic Mike Pomranz immediately entered the test lab. After first testing for the viability of a Pringle’s can as a wine vessel — it definitely holds its wine — Pomranz discovered the following.

1. You should definitely dump out the chips first because no one wants crunchy wine, but you don’t necessarily have to rinse it out because the can will continue to smell like Pringles regardless.

2. A Pringles can is exactly the right size to hold an entire 750 millilitre bottle of wine. This is vital information. Thanks Mike.

3. Even after an hour filled with wine, the can showed no signs of leaking.

That’s some fine scientific work, Mike Pomranz.

But there are other questions. If, as Mike says, the Pringles odour remains, what flavour should one choose?

Pringles offers Cheddar Cheese flavour, which seems an automatic. Wine and cheese, a perfect pairing. Honey Mustard? No. Just no. Jalapeño has potential. Memphis Barbecue? That seems more a beer pairing. Pizza? Yes, with red wine. I think other flavours such as Sour Cream and Onion or Dill Pickle would pair nicely with a Chardonnay. And for the Original flavour? Champagne.

And lest you think it is only in Texas where people do inexplicable things, in slightly related news, a long time ago an astute internet person noticed that often, when something extremely weird happens, the person involved appears to be from Florida. This Texas incident is an exception to the rule, but I do urge you to check out floridaman.com where you will find a compilation of Floridian idiocy.

You will find such stories as:

• Florida man attempts to time travel, crashes into building instead

• Naked Florida man shoots cop with crossbow

• Florida man steals shoes after job interview at Kohl’s

• Florida man thinks rapture is happening, burns down house stocked with flamethrowers and explosive ammo

• Florida man on the run after shoving footlong sandwich down his pants

• Florida man sent back to jail after attempting to steal police car in jail parking lot

• Naked Florida man breaks into restaurant to eat Ramen noodles, play bongos

• Nearly naked Florida man breaks into crocodile pond, gets bitten

• Florida man wearing just Santa hat and boots casually shops at Walgreens – no word on whether Walgreens banned this customer. Texas woman should keep an eye on this one.

Also no word on why many of these Florida crimes are committed in a state of nakedness.

But I do have to say that in the news desert that is January, would it be too much to ask some Kimberley or Cranbrook resident to shed some clothing and hop on a scooter?

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