Fairy tales are an integral part of childhood.
Who don’t have a memory of mum and/or dad reading them a bedtime story about a flying young boy who fights pirates or two siblings who stumble upon a witch in a candy land forest? Or a puppet that longs to be a real boy or a young princess that uses her long hair and help from a prince to escape a tower prison?
These kinds of tales are the ones that captivate the imagination as it usually serves as the introduction of structured story telling at a very young age.
Introduce characters, present them with a quest, have them triumph over a villain and everyone lives happily ever after.
However, stories—just like the film industry of the 21st century—seem to have a shelf life, and now others have come along to rewrite that which was written decades or centuries ago, just as Hollywood is currently rebooting everything it possibly can.
I’m talking, of course, about the National Rifle Association’s (NRA) revisionist storytelling of various children’s tales and how the characters within those stories would have fared if they had some weapons with them.
For example, thanks to a trusty shotgun, Grandma had a much better fate in the NRA’s version of Little Red Riding Hood than the original story.
In addition to a revisionist retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel have also been rewritten so that the two siblings packed some heat with them when they encountered the witch.
“Have you ever wondered what those same fairy tales might sound like if the hapless Red Riding Hoods, Hansels and Gretels had been taught about gun safety and how to use firearms?” reads an editors note to the Little Red Riding Hood post on the NRA Family website.
In the spirit of rewriting classic children’s tales, I figured I’d try my hand at Goldilocks. The NRA hasn’t rewritten it yet, so maybe they’ll use it if mine is good enough.
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Once upon a time there was a young girl named Goldilocks lost in in a cold, dark forest. Normally, she would’ve been scared, but thanks to a rifle slung on her shoulder—a present from her uncle, a big supporter of her country’s Second Amendment—she had no reason to fear.
Now Goldilocks had wandering through the woods for quite some time and night was slowly beginning to fall.
Suddenly, through a thicket of trees, Goldilocks saw a house in the middle of a meadow. Hoping to rely on the kindness of strangers for something to eat and a place to sleep, she went up and knocked on the front door.
As she knocked, the door—which wasn’t latched—swung open, so she stepped inside.
Wandering over to the kitchen, she noticed three sets at the table with three bowls of porridge.
The setting withe the largest portion was too hot, the one with the smallest was too cold, however, the one in the middle was just right.
When Goldilocks finished, she went upstairs and found a bedroom with three beds: a large-sized bed, a medium-sized bed and a small-sized bed.
Flopping out on the medium sized bed with her rifle at her side, Goldilocks fell asleep.
She suddenly awoke some time later, hearing the thumping of footsteps coming up the stairs.
She grabbed her rifle and aimed at the door, which swung open, revealing a great big brown bear!
She screamed and pulled the trigger, her rifle discharging a bullet into the bear’s chest.
She heard a great commotion from downstairs and looked through a window to see two other bears in a full gallop away from the house and towards the trees.
The imminent threat to her life over, she stepped over the bear carcass and headed downstairs with her rifle on her shoulder.
As she was heading outside, a truck pulled up to the driveway and a conservation officer stepped out.
She told him what had happened and followed him inside as he went to investigate.
“You shot this bear?” he asked.
“I was standing my ground,” Goldilocks replied.
“Standing your ground or not, I saw porridge downstairs in the kitchen,” he said. “You know it’s illegal to bait bears in these parts. Do you have a hunting license?”
“No,” Goldilocks said, staring at her feet.
“I’m afraid that’s going to be a hefty ticket then,” the CO said.
Stung by the rebuke, Goldilocks left house and went back into the woods, where she found a trail back home and lived happily ever after—after she paid her fine.